Well, this is the last day of the Twelve Days of Christmas event! It is Day 12!! Since we were closed yesterday, we will celebrate Day 11 and Day 12 today! Finally I got some stuff done yesterday from my personal list for Christmas. That’s a relief!!! I still have miles to go, but at least I feel like I got some things done and got a good start! The rest of the week will feel like a being in a blender, I am sure – just getting whipped around in all directions, or maybe just chasing my tail since blenders seem to run everything in a circle around and around!! You know what I mean – too busy with too little time! But, Christmas will come ready or not and everyone will be happy!
My husband ran across a hilarious story and said I needed to share it with you. But first, heed this advice:
WIVES: Show this to your Husbands
MEN: Don’t let this happen to you! Buy your wife a Janome Sewing Machine today instead!
Ok, the story …..
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The direction said that: A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and major loss of bodily control. and three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say ‘Don’t do it stupid’, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE…!!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, than body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of the thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
- My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
- The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
- My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching.
- My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and bottom lips weighed 88 lbs.
- I had no control of the drooling.
- Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
- I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
- I am still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Too funny!! Moral of this story? If you want to buy someone a new “toy”, buy a sewing machine – much safer!!
Okay, so for our Twelve Days of Christmas verse goes like this:
On the 12th Day of Christmas, my quilt shop gave to me 12 Wooler’s Dying, 11 Sister’s Hooping, 10 Ruler’s Measurin’ , 9 Kitter’s Kitting, 8 yds. of batting, 7 Holiday Patterns, 6 Books a’ read’in, 5 Spools of Thread…. 4 Tea Towels, 3 Fat Quarters, 2 Christmas Fabrics and a Janome Sewing Machine!!
Our specials today, the LAST day of Christmas are Embroidery software and Wool!
All Embroidery software patterns are 25% OFF today This includes Hoop Sisters, Lunchbox, Stitch Connection, Smith Street, or anything else we have around!
All our hand-dyed WoolyLady wool pieces or bundles are also 25 % OFF today!
This offer ends at 5:00pm Tues, Dec 20!
Also remember, all Christmas, Fall and Halloween fabric is now 35% OFF 1/2 yd cut min. This offer will continue going up one percent more each day thru Friday, Dec. 23!
All our Christmas and Halloween patterns and books are also 25% OFF thru Dec. 23.
All our Christmas and Halloween kits are 25% OFF thru Dec. 23.
And Tea Towels are buy 2 get a third FREE thru Dec 23!
I hope you enjoyed our Twelve Days of quilting Event and Merry Christmas!
Patti
PLEASE NOTE: We will be closed Dec. 24 – Jan. 2 for the Holiday and a much needed breather! We will be back with bells on Tues. January 3!